But I don't *look* sick

In fact, my intake worker at welfare told me last month that - if it wasn't for the all important doctor's note - I would be classed as "highly employable" and not eligible for long-term assistance. If it wasn't for the doctor's note.

The one that says that due to my invisible* disabilities I am unable to work.

I don't look sick. I'm 28 years old, no visible disabilities (unless you count my gimpy right knee that aches in cold/damp weather and makes me limp - synovitis** of the joint and a femur and patella - upper leg bone and kneecap - that are misaligned from years of limping), well educated (no university degree but a reference library on medieval history that's bulging at the seams), reasonably attractive. None of that shows the inner me - the woman who gets panic attacks at the thought of leaving her apartment, the woman with four suicide attempts in her past, with flashbacks (good old post traumatic stress disorder), seasonal affective disorder, who takes 2 medications every day that literally keep her alive. Deviations from my routine can overwhelm me, so can the stressors of daily life - checking mail every day (my room-mate does that for me and gives me what I need to deal with and handles the rest), going to the doctor, going to welfare, to EI, going shopping. I find crowds and being around large numbers of people intimidating and something to be avoided at all costs. The last time I went off my meds, I didn't eat for 2 days and I couldn't shut my brain off to sleep for almost 48 straight hours. Yes, shut my brain off. When I'm off my meds, my brain feels like a hamster on crack, running around and around and around and around and around on its wheel, unable to take a break or rest. I have spent most of my adolescence and adult life not getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night because I couldn't wind down enough to sleep. Since going on my meds (Celexa and Seroquel) in December of 2005, my brain feels *slower*. I still have insomnia but at least most of the time when I sleep, I sleep about 8-10 hours. The two main side effects of Seroquel are drowsiness and weight gain. This works for me - when I get severely depressed (instead of the medium grade depressed that's my life most of the time), I lose my appetite. Food sits in my stomach like a stone, heavy and unappetitizing until I vomit it back up.

Forget being able to work when some days it's all I can do to get dressed each day. Forget being able to work when I never know when I'm going to be able to finally fall asleep (and thus wake up). Forget being able to work when I never know when the next flashback is coming - but I know I need to be somewhere safe when it does.

I don't look sick - but I am. And it's "all in my head".

*Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
in·vis·i·ble [in-viz-uh-buhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. not visible; not perceptible by the eye: invisible fluid.
2. withdrawn from or out of sight; hidden: an invisible seam.
3. not perceptible or discernible by the mind: invisible differences.
4. not ordinarily found in financial statements or reflected in statistics or a listing: Goodwill is an invisible asset to a business.
5. concealed from public knowledge.
–noun
6. an invisible thing or being.
7. the invisible, the unseen or spiritual world.
[Origin: 1300–50; ME < L invīsibilis. See in-3, visible]

**WordNet - Cite This Source
synovitis

noun
inflammation of the synovial membrane that lines a synovial joint; results in pain and swelling

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.